To top it off, it was my first full week at work and by Thursday night I was having a hard time adjusting to being away from Hanley so much. I ran in the door at 7:30 pm hoping to spend as much time with Hanley before his bedtime. However, it turns out I came home to 10 oz of wasted breast milk sitting on the counter and my little man already in bed. To be honest, I had a catastrophic meltdown. I tried my hardest to explain to Cody that I wasn't mad at him but I was devastated about the milk. I had spent 1 1/2 hours at work pumping and was only able to bring home 12 oz of milk (remember, my production was down- normally I would pump and send 18-20 oz of breast milk to daycare for Hanley). Our freezer supply was down and I knew I couldn't replace the wasted milk sitting right in front of me. I couldn't even bring myself to throw it away. I let it sit there until Cody dumped it down the drain.
I cried myself to sleep that night.
The next morning I called the lactation specialist. I told her my son was 10 months old and I was hoping to breastfeed until he was 12 months. I then explained my meltdown and told her I was putting too much pressure on myself to keep up my supply. I wanted advice on formula or other options I may have but she just wanted to talk to me about how I can increase my supply, "Add more pumping sessions in while your at home and at work, pump in the morning and before bed, pump after nursing him on the days your home with him, take supplements, drink milk tea..." When I got off the phone, I felt worse. Is she for real? Does she know what being a Mom is like? Do I have more time in my day to attach myself the pump more...NO! This is REAL life, woman!!
I felt discouraged. I refused to take supplements or to drink tea. I am kind of a believer in nature. If my body decides its time to stop production then that was just the way it was going to be. I needed to accept it and figure out a game plan for Hanley.
Over the weekend, Cody and I had a long discussion about introducing cows milk or formula to take some of the pressure off of me. However, by Monday my production was back to normal we never had to worry about supplementing.
Then, Friday last week, Hanley started to bite me. I flicked his cheek and told him "no" but that didn't seem to phase him. I lightly popped him on the mouth once and sat him down to cry while I prepared him a bottle instead. By Sunday morning, I felt like HE was the one trying to tell ME "no", he didn't want it.
It's not like he was slowly losing interest or anything. He just flat out woke up and decided that he was done.I honestly see so much of Cody in him. When Cody decides on something, that it. It's a done deal and he is all in. Cody is also all about efficiency. I think it may have clicked with Hanley that he can get the milk a lot faster from the bottle.
So...after trying so hard to avoid being attached to that damn pump all the time, I have spent the week attached to it more than ever. I have 4 more weeks to go but I am taking it one day at a time. Thankfully we have now have a freezer supply so it's not like I feel an overwhelming amount of pressure. However, I think I have scarred Cody. He is so afraid to waste any of that liquid gold.
My emotions seem to be in check for the most part. I think Hanley weaning himself probably took a lot of the emotional aspect out of the process. I am thankful for our 10+ months of bonding while I nursed him but I have realized that I am still able to enjoy his cuddles, even with a bottle feeding....
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| I took this picture on Thursday last week. I had NO IDEA it would be one of our last nursing sessions. It was early morning, we laid in bed, he cuddled his alligator blanked and held my hand. I am pretty sure I will remember this moment forever. |
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